...and why is it so hard?
Never in a million years would I guess this would be a hard thing for me to do. My whole life I've dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. Now I'm living my dream and...on most days...enjoying it. So why do I get a pang of sadness when my old workplace calls and offers me a job and I have to say no?
I miss adult conversation. That's number one. I miss having a reason to get dressed in the morning. A reason to fix my hair. Getting out of the housePERIOD. And I really liked my job. I didn't like it right away. I came from a great workplace where I had great friends, but I was burned out - and my job performance showed it. I just didn't care anymore. I had no respect for my "bosses" and I wasn't challenged in the least. I looked at work as a place to gab with my girlfriends, not a place to climb the corporate ladder. I just didn't care anymore. So when I went to L, it was quite a change. I worked on my own. No bosses hovering over me to make sure I was doing my job. The first year was pretty blah. It was a new position, so when I asked for my job description, what was a typical day, they would look at each other and shrug. They didn't know. All they knew was that the big shots of the company wanted an assistant. What this assistant was to do, no one knew, but what they did know was that these guys wanted someone at their beck and call. That's where I came in. It took awhile for me to feel comfortable in this role, working for these men that everyone else in the company felt incredibly intimidated by, but it didn't take me too long to find my niche. These guys with the big bucks put their pants on the same way we do every morning, what's the big deal? By not showing fear, by not being a 'yes-person,' I earned their trust and respect. I grew to love my job and love the people I worked for.
So my old boss (HR-VP...the big wigs paid my salary out of their pockets, but didn't want to be my go-to person for all the little crap) called me this morning and said she wanted to offer me a job. They were looking for someone like me, a stay-at-home mom that would be interested in working 15-20 hours a week. It wouldn't be doing what I did before, I know that much, and we didn't get into details since I felt it was pointless. I knew I couldn't do it, so why bother. But now I feel a bit of sadness wishing I could have said yes. Why does that make me feel so guilty?
Silly, I know. I couldn't wait to "retire," and now I'm sad I can't go back? I would like to work part-time eventually. Maybe when the kids start kindergarten. I'll want to do something at that point, but right now it doesn't make sense. I'd have to find daycare for the kids for what? I don't need the paycheck. We're fine if I never went back to work again, but that's not the point. Ugh.
I'm rambling. Probably not making much sense, I just needed to vent. Thanks. GrumbleGrumbleArgh
