Today was a day to look forward to - I had an afternoon to get away! I started off with a stop at Club Diva, where I get my hair done. I got a trim and had her wax my brows. You can color me grateful that I am blonde, because if my eyebrows weren't white (yes, they're that blonde), I would be one bushy-browed-lady. I had fun dishing about all the people we used to work with, our Christmas plans, and some of our favorite shows (e.g., Desperate Housewives, Days of Our Lives, etc.). After that, I was off to wrap up the rest of my Christmas shopping.
My first stop was Borders - I picked up a gift certificate for my cousin L's son. Then I went nextdoor to Old Navy. If you haven't gone there lately - GO! GO! GO! I could not believe all the deals they have right now! I got black tights and a cute, black, button-up sweater that sort of flares out at the bottom for AR to wear with her Christmas dress. What's the deal with all these Christmas dresses having short sleeves?! Hello?! It's December! I bought a replacement gift for my cousin J's son because they sent the wrong size when I ordered on-line. I bought a cute fleece pullover top for myself - it was only $11!!! I bought a little lipstick case. And, finally, I bought RD a blue, fleece pullover and one of those bands that you wear around your head to keep your ears warm. I'm sure there's a name for it, but I've got no idea; and no, it's not earmuffs.
Then I went to Babies R Us to get some Stage-3 Dr. Brown's Nipples, which they were out of, and look for some shoes. I bought some Sketchers for the boys that were on clearance, as well as some more bowls and spoons for feeding time.
Then the big mistake...Big Lots. I had not been to a Big Lots in over ten years. The last time I went to one was when I had moved out on my own. I was in desperate need of plates, glassware, small appliances, you-name-it to get started. That was the first and last time I shopped at Big Lots. It was filthy. The store was filthy, the merchandise was filthy, and even the people were filthy. I hope not to offend any of you that choose to patronize this place, but I can only speak for the locations close to me, and trust me, you almost feel like you need a shower after leaving.
It had been many years, and I must say, they have great commercials. So great, that they convinced me to give it another try. Name brand items at close-out prices - sounds great to me! I hadn't stepped three feet in the place before I realized...nothing had changed. I let out a big sigh and thought that I might as well look around since I was in there. It was packed. There were moms with screaming kids everywhere and many girls that looked to be about 18 (and wearing a serious amount of make-up) doing their Christmas shopping. I was walking pretty fast up and down each aisle with my freshly-styled hair and my large Coach bag, giving my best I'm-not-as-snooty-as-I-look smile.
I turned the corner and nearly walked right into a mother that was so angry, her face was as red as Santa's big coat. The words I'm about to repeat don't sound so bad on paper, but imagine if you will these words being spout out by Linda Blair as she is projecting bright, green pea soup across the room, "I TOLD YOU...THEY DO NOT HAVE TOYS HERE. YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANYTHING. DO YOU HEAR ME? CALEB AND CONNOR, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU PUSH ME ANY FURTHER...CONNOR! CONNOR! DAMN IT!!!! WE'RE LEAVING." OOOOKAAAAY. I smiled to myself as I passed her, knowing that my Linda-Blair-moment will come. It might not be for a few years, but it will come. Before I had children, I might shudder at the woman's voice, but at that moment, I felt sympathy for her.
I continued on up and down the aisles...nothing...nothing...finding nothing...okay...time to go. I head to the front of the store, ready to make my exit. There are four registers, all of which have long lines of people ready to check out. My eyes quickly scanned the front of the store and I realized that the only way to exit is to walk through the check-out lines. *SIGH* I had to pee, it was hot in there, my mouth was excruciatingly dry, and I felt panic setting in seeing I wasn't going to be able to get out of there - at least not as quickly as I wanted to. I looked at the last line and saw what looked to be an opening. Just as I headed in that direction I hear this voice that sounded like it was coming right out of Hell, booming out, "CONNOR! DAMN IT! I TOLD YOU!!!! THEY DO NOT HAVE TOYS HERE! YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY TOYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS? DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND. ME? DOOOOO YOOOOOOUUUUUU?!" By now my state of agitation is pretty high. I had this extreme urge to go over to little Connor and say, "Listen, kid, they DO have toys here. In fact, that whole back corner is nothing but toys. Now...you help me get the hell out of here, and I'll buy you a damn toy." Wouldn't it be fun if we could say whatever we wanted to say, whenever we wanted to say it? Just for fun. THEN be able to hit rewind. At least we could get it out of our system.
The interaction that was playing in my head quickly passed as I saw my chance to exit was about to pass if I didn't act fast. I made my exit and took a big breath as I walked outside.
So no matter how witty you are in those commercials, Jerry Van Dyke...four rolls for Scotch-Tape for 99 cents, just ain't worth it.
