All That Jazz

Our babies are now one-year old toddlers!

The party was a lot of fun - a lot of work - but fun. What it did show me, or remind me of rather, was how wonderful many of our friends are. I don't know how we could've done it without their help. They were absolutely WONDERFUL.

What added to the chaos was that we didn't have the party at our house, but at our friend's condo clubhouse. It worked out nice because there's no way we could've fit everyone in our house, but it made clean-up a bit of a hassle. Even though we requested 'no gifts,' I think every single person brought one (and most brought THREE), so there were many gifts to lug home; there was bits of cake, chips, and sandwich meat EVERYWHERE; many sodas got spilled; and then there was the whole production of packing up the babies and all their schtuff and getting them home.

My friend, C, went with me to Sam's earlier in the day to get all the food, cake, and drinks. We then unloaded everything at the clubhouse and did a bit of decorating. We went to TGI Friday's for lunch, then stopped at Famous to pick up some make-up (it's Lancome Bonus Time!). I rushed home for a quick shower, then we got the babies dressed, packed up the van, and headed over for the party.

Most everyone came. There were a few no-shows, but they were expected (isn't it always the same people that never show?). There were clusters all around the room of different friends (my side/his side), our families (again, my side/his side) - and every now and then the sides would mingle, exchange some polite conversation, then move back to their side of the room.

The kids were pretty good. SA and SJ got a bit fussy, but their nap got cut short, and with all the excitement around them, I think it got to be too much after awhile. The whole cake-eating experience wasn't as messy as I thought it would be. I had planned on giving them these big, whomping pieces to dive into, but RD gave each of them very small slivers (from the white side of the cake, instead of the chocolate), so the clean-up was minimal. They were having a good time and I got some good pictures, so I didn't complain. :)

Silly me - I had thought C and I could pack everything up and get the kids home on our own while the boys stayed back to clean. That all got shot to hell, but it worked out great. Whatever made me think she and I could lug all that back to the house on our own is beyond me! So I ran around cleaning up (with a lot of help from C!), while the guys loaded up our van, as well as their two cars with the presents, leftover food, and beer and soda. During this time there were still some extra hands around to keep the babies occupied.

Once we got home, got the kids to bed, and unpacked all the cars, RD and the guys went out for some drinks and I unwrapped all the gifts. I had been looking forward to it (I love presents!), but by the time I had cleaned up our kitchen and straightened things up somewhat, I was so tired it seemed more exhausting than anything. They got so many great toys and really neat clothes. I think I'm just going to pack away a lot of the toys until we move. There's just no where to put everything, and with us putting our house on the market next month (more about that later), I don't need to add to the clutter.

So all in all the party was a success. There were so many people hacking and sneezing...congested and watery-eyed, but of course they all had excuses (e.g., I'm not contagious...I was sick last week, this is just a cough...I don't have a fever, etc.). I won't get into my rant right now on how ridiculous I think it is for someone to go to a CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY when they're sick!! ugh! It's not just my kids I worry about, but my friend, D, was there with her 5-week old daughter - the poor thing hung out in the corner the whole time (and left early) because of all the coughing going on. So I wouldn't be at all surprised if one or all of us gets sick within the next couple of days - actually, I expect it.

Now I'm trying to get the kids back on schedule. Funny how that works - after a big day, the next day is always hell. Naps are messed up, feedings...they're all wound up and crabby. It seems to take a few days to reprogram from all the stimulation I guess.

I'm going to try and put a dent in some cleaning. I might be back tonight to recap on all the house stuff (betcha can't wait! ha!).

Until next time...

Mommy needs...

...her husband to cut back on the "I don't know's" because they drive her crazy.
Me: Should I get beer for the (birthday) party?
RD: Do you think we should?
Me: I asked you. Do you think we should have beer?
RD: I don't know.
Me: Deep breath... I really need a better answer than "I don't know"?

...her husband to not leave his shoes in the foyer anymore, because the babies really like to chew on them (nice germ-infested shoes, fresh from the ER).

...to remember that she at one time was that childless friend that "didn't get" how crazy life is as a parent, when she gets angered by all the ignorant, unknowing, how-can-you-be-so-busy-when-you're-home-all-day comments from her childless friends.

...to realize that those little comments she says in anger when her children frustrate her, aren't going to be meaningless babble to her children much longer. Though they can't speak, they're understanding more and more, so mommy must choose her words carefully, because words can hurt so much.

...to actually look at her to-do list. Mommy keeps forgetting how forgetful she is.

...to get back on the weight-loss wagon - because it's hard to feel sorry for someone who isn't even trying.

...to take more pictures of her children and write more often in their journals - because they grow so fast, and she won't remember as much as she thinks she will.

It started with a little Men at Work

I've been trying to limit the tv-watching during the day. The only show I like to watch is The Today Show*; other than that, I just like it on as background noise. The kids really don't seem to notice the tv at all. Every now and then a jingle will catch their attention, but as soon as the jingle's over, so is their interest. Even still, I thought it wouldn't hurt to tune it out.

So now our new thing is to play the radio. The kids seem to love the music, and I do, too. It's funny what songs will get them bopping in place. Most recently "Summer of 69" by Brian Adams and "What Have You Done for Me Lately" by Janet Jackson has got their groove a-movin'. SA and AR bounce up and down, while SJ's dance moves are to sway from side to side.

The station I usually listen to plays all 80's and early-90's music from 12:00 to 1:00 p.m. - they call this their Retro-Music Hour. As a child of the 80's, I'm in heaven. Yesterday, they had it going on. I was feeding the kids lunch, dancing from highchair to highchair. AR would clap as she watched me dance, SJ would smile sheepishly at how silly mommy was being, and SA kept giving me this look that said, "I'm still getting more Dino Nuggets...right?"

Their highchairs are lined up against the dining room window. So I was a dancing fool for all the neighbors to see - but I didn't care. They played "Who Can it Be Now?" by Men at Work, "Puttin' on the Ritz" by Taco, "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, "Lost in Emotion" by Lisa Lisa, "Rio" by Duran Duran, and more. By the time they got to "Stand Back" by Stevie Nicks, I couldn't take it anymore. I was having so much fun, I had to be the dork that I am and call the radio station.

To my surprise, I got through right away.

(Girl) DJ: Y98 FM

Me: Hi. I just had to tell you - you are playing the best music. I am having the greatest time dancing around!

DJ: Wonderful! What's your name?!

Me: uh-oh...wait a minute. Her sing-song voice is telling me that I'm going to be on the radio. heehee! Mel___ _____.

DJ: Where are you calling me from today?

Me: Home...I'm a stay-at-home mom.

DJ: Great! How many kids do you have? I can hear them in the background.

Me: Three.

DJ: How old are they?

Me: They'll be one this Saturday. They're triplets. Thinking, "Please, Miss DJ. Please don't say something stupid now."

DJ: Oh! God bless you.

Me: Sigh of relief. Thank you!

We then hung up and I rushed to turn the radio up. Two songs later, right after "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins was our call. I was so excited! I felt like a giddy school girl, and immediately called my friend, D. I gushed to her how I was on the radio. She went on about how cool that was, then we moved on to more grown up topics.

Such a silly little thing, but it made my day.

Later when RD got home, I told him of my 15 seconds of glory. I then told him how funny my voice sounded on the radio. He said, "I love your voice. You sound like a little girl, but you have a really nice voice." Awww, thanks honey. :)

*When I went to NBC's website to get the Today Show link, there was a pop-up of Matt LeBlanc right over the search box. I can't believe that show is still on. I started yelling at the computer screen, "Get out of the way, Joey!!" I think I need to cut back on the caffeine. ha!

Can I get a hoooo-yaaaaa

We've been approved! Yeaahhh!! Next step is we're meeting with the builder Monday night to go over what options we would like, and we're going to try to get a better idea of what cost we're looking at here. Let's just say - RD is a nervous wreck. The guy hates to spend money on anything, especially anything big. He's stressing quite a bit. No matter how much money he makes, he will always talk like he hasn't got a pot to piss in. He prefers to call himself frugal, I would use another word (LOL), but you gotta love 'em!

I called to order the kids' cake for their party. I don't know what I have against Winnie the Pooh - I think just because he's overdone, but I just don't like Pooh. BUT that's the only style in which I could find the plates, the hats, the cups...the whole shabang, so Pooh it is. I asked Sam's Club Bakery if they have any Winnie the Pooh designs they could put on the cake. She yelled back to ask their designer, then came back on the line and said, "Yea, we have Pooh here." heeheeheehee! It took everything in me to hold back the laughter. I thought about making a crack back at her about their POO, but she didn't seem like one to get my kind of humor, so I let it slide.

I've got a super long entry that's been sitting as a draft for a long time. I'm hoping to get it done someone in the next couple of days. Those are always the fun ones. Almost like little therapy sessions. RD doesn't get the whole blog-thing, and teases me about it often. He doesn't understand he should be thanking me, because thanks to Blog Land, I get all my frustrations out through the Internet instead of him.

Yet even more randoms

I've got tunnel vision happening right now with this house deal. Why did we have to try for loan approval the Friday before President's Day weekend? It's making for a long weekend. So you'll have to bare with me, as some random thoughts are all I can muster right now.

I think AR is going to take her first steps any day now. Each day she is standing unassisted longer and longer. She even will do her little bounce/jump jig and clap her hands while standing, she just hasn't made that step forward yet. It's such a conflict of emotions for me. I'm excited, yet sad at the same time. Yes, again...THEY'RE GROWING UP TOO FAST!!

They are doing great with table foods. Once they started, we didn't look back. They're eating chicken nuggets, grilled cheese sandwiches, pancakes, waffles, french toast sticks, green beans, fish sticks, mac & cheese - you name it. This might sound strange, but I love the sound of them eating. I'll turn the stereo or tv down and just listen to them chewing, swallowing, and humming their little mmm-mmm-mmm-this-tastes-good tune.

The visiting nurse weighed them the other day. AR was 19 lb. 6 oz., SJ was 20 lb. 7 oz., and SA was 22 lb. 5 oz. SA's so big, but so solid!

I watched What Not to Wear yesterday on TLC. They made over a woman who I guess riverdanced (The website said it was Irish step dancing, but by the looks of it, it's the same thing?). She kept doing her little riverdance throughout the whole show - down the sidewalk, in the fitting rooms, in the middle of the stores. It was very annoying. RD said, "I'm sure they made her do that." No one would make anyone look that ridiculous. It almost made me turn the channel. Awful. Nothing against riverdancing. Hey, if that's your thing, that's great. Just don't do it down the aisles of DSW. Ugh.

The kids birthday party is this Saturday. I am not at all prepared. I need to order the cake and figure out what kind of appetizers I'm going to get. I guess I should pick up some decorations as well. See how bad I get? I've gotten so wrapped up in this house, the kids' birthday party has taken the back burner. I'm so awful. If they were of an age that they would know any different, I would be more obsessive about the party than anything, but I figure it's more for us than them. They won't even know any different. I know - I sound awful. It'll all come together in the end. Sometimes I think I do better last minute anyway.

Well, my bladder is about to burst, so I guess I'll wrap this up. Have a wonderful weekend, everybody!

Until next time...

Poo Talk

Remember the game, "What's grosser than gross?"

I've got one for ya.

Mandarin Oranges

"What's so gross about Mandarin Oranges?"

Glad you asked!

Poop. Feed your kids some Mandarin Oranges and they're going to have some wicked awful poop. AWFUL. Little roly-poly orange balls that the wipe just doesn't want to wipe up.

It's some serious nasty stuff.

'til Tuesday

Have I mentioned I'm impatient? Surely I've mentioned it. Not just a little impatient - out-of-control impatient in the most irritating way possible. I hate waiting for anything.

When I talked to our banker this morning, she said we should know within a few hours whether or not we've been approved for the loan. She then called back about an hour later to ask me a few more questions, then went on to say that it will take a couple days to get the prequalification letter, then she will courier it to our home. We went over some other basic information - what account we want the $50 prequalification charge taken from, whether we want the 5/1 ARM or the 7/1 ARM (only options for Physician-Loan), etc. About 30 minutes after we got off the phone I started going over our conversation again in my head. Now - she said the letter would be ready in a couple days - does that mean we're approved? She didn't say, "You're approved," but she did say the letter will be sent out soon.

First I had myself convinced that this call meant we were approved, then I decided I was jumping to conclusions because she never said those magic words, "You're approved." I thought then that I could just wait a few more hours, then if she didn't call, I would then call to clarify. A few hours? That's just too long to wait. So I called. I told her I was sorry to bother her...blahblahblah...but was I to take that call as an acceptance? Were we approved or was that an if-you-are-approved-this-is-what-comes-next call? Unfortunately, it was the latter.

As it turns out, the Physician-Loan isn't an automatic process; it has to go through an Underwriter, which takes longer. She said looking at our credit report she has no reason to be anything but optimistic, but I'm still a nervous wreck. We've gone through this loan before, and we were TWO POINTS off. Two lousy points kept us from refinancing a few years ago. To qualify for this loan, we not only have to have excellent credit, but EXCELLENT credit. What knocked us out of EXCELLENT last time was the car we had just bought. It wasn't the added debt of the new car that hurt us, but the running of our credit report that had knocked some points off our rating. It's so crazy how credit rating works.

Tuesday. Now she says we won't know until Tuesday. That's what? Four days away? I don't even know what day it is. So I'll let you know right now - I'm going to be a basket case until Tuesday.

Have I mentioned I'm impatient?

I Think I Can

I'm just sick. Sick to my stomach.

It's looking like the house is going to be a done deal soon. We haven't gotten official loan approval yet, but our banker (I know she has an official title, but right now I can't remember what it is) says she's positive everything will be fine.

Why am I sick? I'm very happy about the house. I love it and think it is a perfect fit for us. I'm sick because it's such a major decision. I'm not worried about the financial aspects - that's too easy, I'm being flooded with more irrational fears more than anything. You know...those "mother fears."

It all started when watching Montell this morning. It was about true crimes and evil living in your neighborhood. I only caught part of it, but the segment I watched was about a woman who was kidnapped and raped by her nextdoor neighbor when she was ten years old.

Me: My God! You know what...I better check the sex offender registry. I don't know anything about that neighborhood. This is a good area. There's no reason why I should be concerned, but as a mother, well...you know - the mind can take you to some crazy, crazy places.

RD: I can hear in his voice the pleasure in "getting me going" about something. It's a new neighborhood. The sex offenders probably haven't even registered yet. We won't know until it's too late. He then let out an exaggerated sigh. I swear he loves to see me squirm.

So now all day I've been going through the what-if's.

What if...

Our kids are hit by a car while they're outside playing.
They're kidnapped.
They get seriously hurt by a bully at school.
We're in a car accident on our way home.
One or all of them are harmed (I can't even say the word) by a neighbor.

I keep thinking of all these what-if's and how they could be avoided if we didn't move to this house. I keep wondering if there'll ever be a "someday" when I wished we hadn't made this decision.

Again, there is no basis for this. I've done this before. It's just the fear of making a big step and wondering if there's something waiting for us in the future, something that we're making happen by making this big decision.

I'm sure (I should probably say, "I know...") I would be doing this no matter where we were going, or whether it was tomorrow or four months from now - but then there's this other voice in my head saying, "Is this feeling a sign you shouldn't do this?" Logically, rationally, I know that if I followed that voice every time I heard it (and no, I don't have voices in my head, work with me here! ha!), I would never be making any changes or big steps - EVER.

So I'll just hope this feeling passes. Soon. Why I have to always do this...ugh. I get so excited over things, then I second guess myself. It's such an ugly, exhausting cycle.

Excuse me while I bore you with some randoms

The house hunt - where do I start? Okay, I'll try to make this short. I think last I left off, RD was on his way out to look at the house I had looked at and liked (a lot!). The base price was great, but once we figured all the options we'd like, it put the house way out of our price range. We wanted to look at the next model down, but they didn't have one for us to look at. Figures the only display home they have available is the biggest and most expensive! This builder has many communities (subdivisions...whatever!), so I drove out (way out - about a 45-minute drive) to look at the model we were now considering. I loved it. RD still needs to look at it. The visiting nurse is coming tomorrow to give the kids their last round of Synagis, then he works in the afternoon, so I'm not sure if he'll be able to look at it until Friday. I think he'll like it. It's pretty much the same house as this last one, but smaller. Next step...loan approval. This is where it gets tricky. He doesn't start his job until July - he'll be getting a substantial bump in salary at that time - yet we're still waiting on the official contract, which we'd need for loan approval. The job is his, it's just that the paperwork takes a long time - why is beyond me.

Valentine's dinner was wonderful. The whole house stuff dominated most of the conversation - but that was a welcome change to all the baby talk. I love my kids, but it's nice to talk about something other than the kids once in awhile!

It's amazing how the weather can affect one's mood. We had a couple of days of gorgeous weather - mid-70's, sunny, clear sky. I opened up our one working window - the babies all stood up at the window and took in the fresh air. They reminded me of our cats - the way they held their noses up in the air, eyes squinted, breathing it all in. We were hoping to get the kids out for a walk, but with the going back and forth to the house(s), time slipped away.

I wish I had more to say, but I don't. I know my posts have been lacking any sort of entertainment value, but...again, I don't have much to say. This house stuff is sucking up every bit of energy and every thought in my head. If you're sticking with me through these boring entries - God love ya! ;)

Until next time...

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

No exciting news to report. We went to look at the displays and check out the homesites. The house - there's only one word to describe it - AMAZING. The whole ride out there RD had this gruff look on his face, knowing in my head I was already moving us in.

When we pulled up he looked over to "the one" and said, "Is that it?" He said it very casually, but I could tell he was impressed. We weren't even five feet in the place and I could tell he was sold. He was studying every detail. He went from room to room saying, "We should do this...I want that...isn't this great...we'd need this..."

Now on to the lots. There were only a few left, only one private. It was on the small side, but we loved the house so much we were quickly coming up with all the reasons why "the big yard" could wait.

Then we saw it. How we missed it is beyond me. I think we were so drunk over this house we were oblivious to any imperfections that might be lurking.

A huuuuge rock quarry. A fully-active, rock quarry. Right next to the community. RD hates it when I use the word community. "Will you just say subdivision, because that's what they are." "Yes, but they call them communities." You know, those "they" people that know everything.

We went back and forth on how much this mattered to us. You couldn't actually see the quarry from this particular lot, but we'd have to hear it, right? How could we not? We debated back and forth for the rest of the day on whether or not this was a deal-breaker. We both knew it was, but I was having a hard time letting go of this "perfect house." I sat down on the couch late lastnight to go through the big folder they gave us with all the literature on the builder, the area, etc. In the very back, hidden behind all the brochures going on about how great this place is was a letter from the City Examiner - about the rock quarry. It went into great detail about how home owners may be startled by the noise, some home damage is to be expected (which they then downplayed because all homes suffer some wear and tear...yaddayadda...), and more red flags that screamed that this place wasn't so perfect after all.

I shouldn't be surprised. The price they were asking for this house seemed too good to be true - now we know why.

The problem with getting so worked up and excited about something is the low you get when things don't go your way. We watched The Terminal lastnight. RD loved it, but I couldn't stop thinking about the house. The house itself was so perfect, why oh why did it have to be next to a rock quarry. It kind of reminded me of an old Seinfeld episode. Remember the one where George was dating this woman who would be beautiful if it wasn't for her HUGE nose. He hated her nose, but knew if it weren't for her nose, she would be too beautiful for him - out of his league. Silly analogy maybe, but I guess that's how I looked at the house. The only reason we could afford this awesome house is because they thought that the constant booms and vibrations warranted a discount of sorts. So we move on.

So tomorrow I am going to check out two more communities. The one has larger houses on small lots and the other has what I would call average-size houses on larger lots. I'm going to check out both. I'm kind of wishing now that we hadn't seen the first. That first house we looked at was so grand - I'm afraid all others will pale in comparison.

We shall see.

In the meantime, have a wonderful V-Day! RD and I are going out to dinner while his mom watches the kids. Let's hope we have lots to celebrate! ;)

One Flew Over the New Home Community

I don't know why I'm even writing. I can't concentrate on anything and don't have anything interesting to say.

You see...I have this problem. I have a bit of a...obsessive-compulsive personality. I don't mind really. I take great pleasure in getting so wrapped up in a project, I can't even see straight. RD teases me that I'm not happy unless I'm obsessing about something. He's so right. Planning our wedding? I couldn't have been happier. Think about it! I had a year and half to become a crazed maniac over this one event. People teased me saying, "What ever are you going to do with yourself once the wedding is over?" No worries - two weeks after our wedding, I started my hunt for a house. Then I obsessed on getting every room decorated just perfect. You can always tell when I don't have anything to obsess over, because our house is sparkling. If I'm not obsessing over an upcoming event or task, I'm cleaning. I then become obsessed in making every detail of our house perfect. If I've got a project going on - forget it.

So you're probably thinking, "Get to the point! What are you obsessing about now?!"

As I've mentioned in previous posts, we are planning on moving this summer. I've been looking at houses on-line for the past month or so. Okay...I never stopped looking since the first time we moved - but I've been seriously looking for the past month or two.

RD's prerequisites for a house, and mine, are quite different. One big difference we had was WHERE; well, recently he added an area that he had previously gave a big "no way" to, so my mind went racing with all the possibilities. After doing some research, I found a new home community with some beautiful homes. Wouldn't you know it takes 5-6 months to build. PERFECT!

When approaching RD with my new plan, I knew I had to keep my cool. As soon as he sees I'm excited (and let's face it - CRAZY) about something, his red flag goes up. Yes, I've been known to get a little ahead of myself at times...I've been a bit...impulsive, so I knew what to do - I played it cool. Once he got home lastnight I waited about 45 minutes before I casually brought it up. I showed him the floorplans, the price sheet, etc. I tried to act as nonchalant as possible about it...and I think it might've worked. heehee! The lots are a lot smaller than what we were wanting, but these houses are...YOWZA! The house we'll be getting now isn't going to be the house we plan to retire in. RD wants to live in this next one for five years or so, then move into our "final" home. That way he can pay off some of his student loans, get a nest egg started, etc. My argument was that we can get a big house on a small lot now...then five years down the road get a big house on the big lot. Made sense to me.

SO...we're going to go look at the lots on Saturday. Wish me luck! Just think of all the fun I'll have obsessing over the details for the next six months! WOO HOO!

Wipe away the cobwebs and the sorrow

As my babies' first birthday approaches, I'm finding it hard to get very excited. Don't get me wrong, they are so much fun right now. Each month that passes I say, "This is my favorite age!!"

People always say, "They grow so fast!" The truth in those words is almost painful at times. I went over to visit my friend, D, and her new baby - just a few weeks old. Holding her, I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that there was a time AR, SJ, and SA were that tiny. Even smaller! Wow. My babies...they don't even seem like babies anymore. With the excitement of each milestone, I find myself mourning those that have passed.

That's why I want to thank Suzanne over at Dot Moms for writing this. Reading her story, it gave me the kick in the butt I needed. It reminded me that each day is a milestone and every tomorrow is a blessing - not something to fear, but something to embrace.

Thank you.

It's all about time

Did you know that if you forget about that pile of cat puke you passed this morning - you know, the one you were going to clean up right after you changed the diaper pail - clean up is pretty easy. If you let it sit long enough, you can actually peel it off the carpet in one piece. Just like that.

I bet the Fly Lady won't teach you that!

Can you hear me now?

After four years of marriage (as of next month!) and over six years together, it still never ceases to amaze me how I can be talking to RD for several minutes without him having the slightest clue that I am talking to him. I can be sitting right next to him, turned to face him, talking TO him, and at the end of whatever it was I was saying he looks at me and says, "Huh? Did you say something?" Then he swears up and down that he wasn't ignoring me, but that he really didn't hear me. WHEN I'M RIGHT NEXT TO HIM?! Even if I'm really into something I'm watching on tv, I can still hear everything going on around me. If we're watching something funny, he'll turn to look at me at funny parts (which I think is sweet) - I won't always turn to him, but I can see out of the corner of my eye that he does it - I notice. Geesh.

Sometimes he doesn't even hear the conversation he's in. This just happened a few days ago:

RD: They're done with that exercauser. We need to get something else to put their toys in.

They lost interest in the exercauser a couple months ago; right now it is acting as storage for all the toys in the living room.

Me: I'm going out next week. I'll pick something up.

RD: We don't need something that looks like a toy chest - maybe something that goes with....

Me: ...the decor?

RD: Yea.

Me: Yea, at Christmas I saw M and L had these cool baskets from World Market - I think they were $60. They were really big. They'd look nice.

RD: mumbles something then shrugs

A few minutes pass...

RD: What about that World Market place? They'd probably have something good.

Me: Yea. Good idea. Big sigh

Super Randoms

RD's working tonight and I'm not into football...at all...so I think I might watch a movie tonight. I've had 13 Going on 30 sitting on top of our entertainment center for about a week now, so I should probably take advantage of RD being gone and watch my chick-flick. In the past I've watched just for the commercials, but they usually run all the good ones in the days to follow anyway, so why force myself to sit through the game?! ;)

AR has made a complete transformation in the past week. She's like a new baby. Her babbling seems to have purpose now. She'll babble on and look at us like we're supposed to know what it is she's saying, and she'll be going on and on to her brothers like she's bossing them around. She'll also raise her tone at the end as if she's asking a question. It's precious! She's been consistently ahead of the boys, hopefully they'll be starting soon.

I've been a big chicken as far as food goes with the kids. The doctor gave us the okay to start giving them table food at their 9 mo. check-up (they're 11 1/2 mo. now), but we were still pureeing everything. We would give them Cheerios and bits of cheese, but hadn't been brave to try anything else. They've recently started to seem bored with the purees, so I decided to start experimenting with more foods. For lunch this morning they had pancakes (along w/their usual oatmeal, but I added yogurt today), for lunch they had grilled cheese sandwiches (cut up of course) and their usual green beans. They're doing quite well! The only problem is that they don't pace themselves. They're fine with cheese and green beans, but when I introduced pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches to them today, they went wild and started cramming it all in their mouths at once. I guess they liked the new menu!

John's been working a lot of evenings lately. Mardi Gras is huge here and he works at one of the city hospitals, so he said he's been slammed with drunks. He said it wouldn't be so bad if it was the silly, goofy college crowd, but he said it's been all these older, angry drunks. When we first started dating (and drinking was one of our more common activities), Mardi Gras was something we always looked forward to - we knew we had a lot of partying ahead of us. Now I wouldn't even know it was that time of year if it weren't for the stories on the local news that run after the party, and now it's a time of year RD dreads because he has to deal with the idiots that just can't handle the fun.

I know I've said this before, but I really need to do something with my hair. Something drastic. Problem is, RD loves long hair. I know I should wear my hair how I like it, but I do like to look good for him...and if he likes it long...ugh...I just don't know.

I bought RD a monogrammed-locket key chain from Red Envelope (I love this store!) for Valentine's Day. I'm going to print off a tiny picture of the kiddos to put in it...now how I'm going to fit three little heads in that tiny locket...hmmmmmm. His mom is going to watch the kids so we can go out to dinner - alone. Yeaahhh! I'm so excited. It's been so long since we've been out alone. That reminds me - I need to hurry up and make reservations somewhere or our romantic evening is going to be spent at Mickey D's!

Enjoy the Superbowl, everyone!

To Have or Have Not

More children that is.

Can I tell you how sick I am of this question? I have absolutely NO RIGHT, considering I am constantly asking my friends and family with small children this question. Have you noticed that as soon as someone has a baby, they immediately want to go out and recruit?

As soon as RD and I were married, the interrogations came flying from every direction, "When are you having kids?...How many kids do you want?...When do you think you'll start trying?...Water, huh? Are you pregnant?...Anything you want to tell us?" We quickly put a stop to the questions when we insisted to everyone that we would not even think about having kids until RD was done with his residency. We believed this to be the complete truth at the time. We were not anticipating me being (unofficially...long story) diagnosed with endometriosis, and being told that my fertile years were numbered. So, with that information in mind, I started taking prenatal vitamins, and three months later we started trying. First try - success - or so we thought.

We wanted to keep my pregnancy a secret; at least until the second trimester. Everyone was clueless, which was wonderful. No one suspected a thing when I wasn't drinking alcohol or doing my best to hide my nausea, because we had convinced everyone that kids were way off in our future. By my 8th week, the nausea was really getting to me, and I had an ultrasound and got to see and hear her (we would later find out it was a girl) heart beat. And you know what they say, once you hear the heartbeat, the chances of a miscarriage go way down...blahblahblah. So we let the cat out of the bag.

Fastforward to Week 11 - my OB wanted to do another ultrasound because they couldn't find her heartbeat using the doppler. "This is totally normal," she said, "Don't worry. It's often hard to find. The ultrasound is just to put your mind at ease. Really, don't worry." Well - there was reason to worry. There was no heartbeat. The ultrasound showed that she had stopped growing probably sometime in her 9th week. One benefit of your husband being a physician is you're treated with extra care - a professional courtesy. Being my first pregnancy and miscarriage, it's not the norm to do genetic testing; something they usually do after loss #3. Lucky me, I got the white glove treatment. I'm sarcastic only because it's a tough subject for me. I am very grateful that they did the testing, as I know the "what if's" would've driven me insane - AND I would've assumed the first miscarriage to be the same result of what I would be tested for in later miscarriages. The next morning I underwent a D&C. The testing would show that I lost the baby due to Triploidy - a chromosomal abnormality. The ultrasound tech told me, "You should be happy the baby did not survive. She would have had many problems." Oh, yeah. Thank you. I feel much better now.

I really didn't want to go into my whole reproductive history, but I felt it was relevant to "having more." Anyway...

I was told we could not try again for at least two full cycles. This just killed me. RD was hurting as well and he wanted to wait even longer. Maybe he was scared of it happening again or maybe he felt he needed more time to heal, but I could not wait. I was obsessed. How strange to go from being scared to death of becoming pregnant to having every thought revolving around having a child.

So what happened next? I got pregnant - again and again and again. Five more times that I know for sure. After loss #6, I stopped testing. These next pregnancies were lost very early. Yes, I was sad, but I still yearned for the first. Those last five - I didn't get to see the little sac, the little head, her heartbeat. It was different.

I began to feel like a joke; almost embarrassed when calling to make an appointment with my OB, "Yes, this is Mel _____. I'm pregnant. Again." I could just picture the receptionist rolling her eyes. I'm sure she wasn't, but the depression I was in...I can't even explain. Every visit, I was directed to the Nurse Practitioner (standard for your first prenatal visit). I finally insisted on seeing my OB. With the pattern of the last miscarriages, she guessed immediately that it was an immunological problem and referred me to the Sher Institute. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty details of my testing here (if you are going through something similar and would like me to share my story, I would be happy to e-mail you privately), but I consider my visit to Sher a blessing.

Skipping the testing and consultations, let's get to the good part - we decided IVF was our best option. You're probably asking yourself, "Why did they need to do IVF? GETTING pregnant obviously wasn't a problem." You're right, but the treatments that were necessary to prevent a miscarriage needed to be administered very early - before pregnancy testing was possible - meaning we would have to spend thousands of dollars on these treatments under the assumption that I was pregnant. Again, I can discuss details with you privately. That was too high a gamble for us, so that's where IVF came in.

Due to my young age (29) and good health, my doctor explained that they would only transfer two embryos, since the chances of implantation were high (normally they would transfer a higher number). After a very long month of twice-daily injections, our big day had arrived. It was the "transfer day" and we were waiting in the exam room. My doctor walked in with a long face, looked at each of us and said, "I'm not happy with the quality of these embryos. (insert lots of medical jargon here) I would like to transfer three embryos instead of two." RD and I looked at each other, fear in our eyes...THREE?! We expressed our concern; afterall, hadn't I proved that GETTING pregnant wasn't a problem, and he wanted to transfer THREE? The doctor nodded in agreement, but again stressed that the quality of these embryos were not very high, and in order to better our chances of getting pregnant AT ALL, he strongly advised we transfer three, "Besides," he said, "the chances of triplets are very low." Are they now?

Long story short...I really did not plan on getting into all that, but anyway...here we are - three beautiful, wonderful children, and as scared as I was at that first ultrasound, I can say with 100% certainty, I would not have changed a thing. We are so lucky and so blessed to have our two sons and daughter in our lives. A few people have asked us if we could have the same three kids, but at different times, my answer is no. I love watching them interact, getting to compare what stage they're in to each other, seeing them bond with each other, and in some ways I wonder if it's easier getting these stages all "done at the same time" so to speak, instead of having a few years between them.

Now comes those nagging questions again, "Are you having more?...Are you going to try again?...Are you done now?" It doesn't bother me because I think they're rude or because of the repetition of it all, it bothers me because I DON'T KNOW. I don't know if I want more. What answer I give you really depends on what day you ask me. As we get further and further along, it is becoming quite clear to me that RD wants more - at least one. If his desire is that strong, I feel I owe it to him to at least give it careful consideration.

"Why do you think we should be done?," he asks.

The answer to many may seem obvious, but it's not that simple. I joke, "How are we all going to fit in a car if we have more?...Vacation's going to be a b*tch!...I'll have to go out and get a job - the horror," but truth is, I don't know if I can go through what we had to go through again. Obviously, the end result was well worth it for me, but...we didn't have our family yet at the time, now we have three beautiful kids. Will my yearning for another child be strong enough to go through that again? Maybe. But after so many losses and so much pain, it feels so wonderful and so easy to just say, "We're done."

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. The thought of holding a precious little baby in my arms again....

Maybe we're not done. That's not so bad.