I'm just sick. Sick to my stomach.
It's looking like the house is going to be a done deal soon. We haven't gotten official loan approval yet, but our banker (I know she has an official title, but right now I can't remember what it is) says she's positive everything will be fine.
Why am I sick? I'm very happy about the house. I love it and think it is a perfect fit for us. I'm sick because it's such a major decision. I'm not worried about the financial aspects - that's too easy, I'm being flooded with more irrational fears more than anything. You know...those "mother fears."
It all started when watching Montell this morning. It was about true crimes and evil living in your neighborhood. I only caught part of it, but the segment I watched was about a woman who was kidnapped and raped by her nextdoor neighbor when she was ten years old.
Me: My God! You know what...I better check the sex offender registry. I don't know anything about that neighborhood. This is a good area. There's no reason why I should be concerned, but as a mother, well...you know - the mind can take you to some crazy, crazy places.
RD: I can hear in his voice the pleasure in "getting me going" about something. It's a new neighborhood. The sex offenders probably haven't even registered yet. We won't know until it's too late. He then let out an exaggerated sigh. I swear he loves to see me squirm.
So now all day I've been going through the what-if's.
What if...
Our kids are hit by a car while they're outside playing.
They're kidnapped.
They get seriously hurt by a bully at school.
We're in a car accident on our way home.
One or all of them are harmed (I can't even say the word) by a neighbor.
I keep thinking of all these what-if's and how they could be avoided if we didn't move to this house. I keep wondering if there'll ever be a "someday" when I wished we hadn't made this decision.
Again, there is no basis for this. I've done this before. It's just the fear of making a big step and wondering if there's something waiting for us in the future, something that we're making happen by making this big decision.
I'm sure (I should probably say, "I know...") I would be doing this no matter where we were going, or whether it was tomorrow or four months from now - but then there's this other voice in my head saying, "Is this feeling a sign you shouldn't do this?" Logically, rationally, I know that if I followed that voice every time I heard it (and no, I don't have voices in my head, work with me here! ha!), I would never be making any changes or big steps - EVER.
So I'll just hope this feeling passes. Soon. Why I have to always do this...ugh. I get so excited over things, then I second guess myself. It's such an ugly, exhausting cycle.
