Revision #1

I was thinking about the deal RD and I made about getting to my goal weight. I told him that since $500 really won't break us, why not up the deal and make it $800. ;)

I said, "How about I get $500 for making it to my goal weight, and I get a bonus $300 for getting to my goal-goal weight."

He thought about it and said, "How about you get $800 for getting to your goal-goal weight. Anything less, and you get nothing."

The heat is on!

Decent Proposal

As I've written before, I'm fed up with my post-baby figure. I'm tired of not having any clothes that fit me right. I'm tired of wearing my "temporary" wardrobe, which consists of several ill-fitting elastic-waist pants and jogging suits. I try to eat good and exercise regularly, but I just haven't found much motivation. I don't have any upcoming events that I'm wanting to look good for, and I'm not so grossly unfit that I'm in a desperate position. I need something to inspire me. I need to really want to look (and feel) better. Everybody wants to look better - that's not enough anymore.

I am in serious need of clothes; but who wants to go shopping when everything looks so bad on me? What fun is it to look for a shirt that will camouflage my new post-baby pooch, or look for pants that help hide my saddle bags? Not my idea of a good time.

I came up with a solution. I approached RD with my proposition:

Me: I've got a proposition for you.
RD: This can't be good.
Me: No, listen. It's not bad.
Silence
RD: Go on. I'm listening.
Me: It's no secret I'm overweight right now. I've been sort of good, but I know I can be better. I'm just not motivated.
RD is cooking up some squash for the babies...but I can tell he's listening.
Me: I need something to work towards. Other than just feeling good and looking better, I need a reward - a goal to work towards.
RD looks up to me with a look in his eyes that says to get to the point.
Me: How 'bout...when I get to my goal weight, I get to go on a $500 shopping spree to get new clothes for my new body.
RD who hates spending money at any cost is giving me a look that doesn't look too promising.
Me: Just think...I'll feel better about myself, which will make me happier. You like me thinner. You know you do. And, let's face it, if I'm feeling better about myself...if I'm feeling sexier, you get more sex out of it. It's a win-win situation.
Waiting for him to say something...waiting...waiting...
RD: What's your goal weight?
Me: Well...I have a goal weight and a goal-goal weight.
RD: No...NO...you're already cheating! You can't have two goal weights!
Me: Yes I can. I have my realistic goal weight; and then there's my probably-not-gonna-happen goal weight...but I'd like to try.
RD: When do you get the money? At your goal weight or your "goal-goal" weight. Rolling his eyes.
Me: At my goal weight.
RD: No...I think you should get it at your goal-goal weight (Again, rolling his eyes). What is it BTW?
Me: I haven't weighed my goal-goal weight since we met, that will take forever. If I get to my goal weight, I'll need a lot of new clothes anyway. And...I'm not telling you my goal weight. I don't want to tell you how much I weigh.
He knew my pre-pregnancy weight...he knew how much I gained. I'm just ashamed I guess that I haven't lost more. This way of thinking doesn't make sense, I know, but I know I'm overweight. I know that he knows I'm overweight, but somehow saying the number out loud...I just didn't want to do it.
RD: If you get to your goal-goal weight. Go on your shopping spree.
Me: When I get to my GOAL weight I will.
I give him my biggest smile and walk away. VICTORY. lol

So...today was my first official day. I had Raisin Bran for breakfast. I walked the treadmill for 20 minutes, did some curls with my weights, and I did some leg lifts. I had a med.-size bowl of chili for lunch...no cheese. I had a much smaller bowl than I would have any other day, and to my surprise I was full. I'm chugging the water...which isn't really my thing, but I'll give it a shot.

Let's hope I can stick to it this time. I could really use some new clothes. ;)

Toenails...ick

Just a small observation that icks me...

I've noticed the "new thing" is to wear your toenails long. It's even hip to eccentuate your long toenails by having a french pedicure.

For the record, I think that's disgusting.

Un(?)fortunately, I've never had a problem being un-hip.

Baby Updates

A home nurse came to give the kids their Synagis shots today (RSV vaccination). That sure was a production! One of the nurses (in training for home care), was in the NICU when the babies were born. I don't remember her, but it was nice chatting with her. She recognized their names. We're sure she had them as a patient at some point.

SA has finally been rolling over! I think I mentioned before that he was the last to do this. He is such a content baby (RD said that if people had babies like SA all the time, they would have 10!) and he's also pretty big, so he hasn't had any motivation to roll. He rolled from his back to his front first (it's usually the other way around); and ever since he did that, he wants to keep doing it and doing it. It's so cute...babies always seem to do that - once they discover something new, it becomes an obsession! He rolled over from his front to back yesterday - WHEN I WAS ON THE PHONE!! GRRRR!! I missed it darn it. I would've loved to have seen his technique! ;)

SJ has cut his first tooth! I swear I just checked yesterday and there was nothing - today the nurse looked at him and said, "Well, lookie here! He's got a tooth!". I was so excited that he had his first tooth, but bummed at the same time that I didn't discover it first. Silly, I know. I can't wait for RD to get home from work. It's his birthday today; I'll have to let him know SJ has a present for him. :)

AR is crazy as ever. She is so hyper! I can't even imagine what she'll be like as a toddler. The girl can never sit still - her legs are always moving, she's either yelling, screaming, crying, or giggling...she always has some dramatic emotion on display. I was really losing my patience with the kids the other day; obviously you can't yell at a baby or reason with a baby, so in my frustration I just scrunched my face together and growled. Sounds pretty mature for a 30-year old, but it somehow made me feel better. Funny thing, AR scrunched her face right back and me and laughed. Now she likes to look at people and scrunch her face, then she laughs at how funny she is. She sure showed me! LOL

Usually I just have the babies in onesies during the day, but since it's RD's birthday, I decided to dress the babies up a bit. They look so cute!

RD's mom is coming over for dinner tonight. I'm excited to see her. She is so awesome. I consider myself very lucky to have such a good relationship with my MIL. Now...what to make.... I really need to get my butt off the computer and figure out what we have....

Off I go!

Damn those Democrats!

First, my apologies if I've offended any Democrats out there...I know you're not all bad.

BUT...

As if it's not bad enough that I live in a very liberal town...never had I had so many people knocking on my door trying to get me to vote for this or that...or sign so many damn petitions as I have since we've lived here.

We keep getting these recorded phone calls from people wanting us to check out various anti-Bush websites.

Though you can't tell from the title of this entry, neither my husband or I are the types to try to force our political opinions on anyone. Vote for whomever the hell you like, I'll just be praying that it's for the right guy. ;) But due to the overwhelming number of teenage Kerry-pushers coming to our door as of late, we thought it might be a good idea to put a Bush/Cheney sign in our yard (we're also thinking it might backfire and bring more our way though...). Anyway, a little incident my mother had on the highway this morning is giving me second thoughts. She has a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on her car...loooong story short, a couple idiots in a jeep ran her off the road - one of the guys was hanging out the window yelling obscenities about Bush. Now, keep in mind my mother has quite the flair for the dramatics, so she could have just as easily been given the bird, and was maybe slowing down to "hear" him better (you never know with her...either way, it's got me second-guessing putting a sign out front.

Before the babies I would've said "f*ck 'em!" and put it out front w/o a care. Now that we have kids, I think of things from a more paranoid, unrealistic-thinking, probably-not-gonna-happen-but-what-if-it-does frame of mind.

Damn Democrats!

Weepers

There are some songs and movie endings that get the tears flowing almost every time (Yes, I said before that I rarely cried before I had the babies. Truth is I cried quite a bit really, I just never let anyone see me do it before...now I have no control!! LOL). There are many movies that I could sit and watch the last 10-15 minutes over and over again...and cry every time:

1. She's Having a Baby - I love this movie. She's ready to have a baby, he's going through a mid-life crisis and isn't so sure. Once he thinks he's lost both his wife and son during the delivery, the life they've had together flashes before his eyes...it's beautiful, funny...it's a great movie.
2. Ghost - Damn, that last scene gets me every time!!! "I love you" "Ditto" If that doesn't make you cry, you're heartless!! ha! One of the most romantic scenes in that movie is when Demi Moore is dancing with Whoopi Goldberg, who is at that moment possessed (?...I don't know how else to describe that) by Patrick Swayze.
3. Meet Joe Black - Okay...I know a lot of people hated this movie. I loved it. The ending (which I just watched again tonight BTW) is great. The dramatic music, the hope for what's to come...love it.
4. Moulin Rouge - OH! One of my favorite movies. When Ewan McGregor is holding Nicole in his arms as she's dying...(sigh)
5. Terms of Endearment - Need I say more?
6. Sommersby - This has GOT TO BE the saddest, most sob-worthy ending to a movie I have ever seen. If you've seen it...when Richard Gere's character screams out "Laurel!"...ohhh...it's just too much...pass the damn tissue!
7. Old Yeller - I don't remember it much now...it's been years, but I do remember one thing, Old Yeller's dead and I cried A LOT.
8. Titanic - I know, I know...too easy. Either you loved it or you hated it. Yes, I admit it, I loved it. Now, it seems people differ on the ending. I think that the old lady dies. As they show her lying there with her eyes closed (sleeping some say...I think the old bag's dead), they pan over all these pictures of her doing all the things she told dear Leo (when she was taking up the whole board by herself while her poor man is hanging on in the water...couldn't he of laid on top of her?) she would do someday...then it shows her joining him atop the stairs of the Titanic...she's wearing what sort of looks like a wedding dress, and there's everyone else there that died. I think she died and they were showing her joining everyone in "heaven". My cousin said I'm crazy and it was just her visiting him in her dreams. Whatever. I like my version better. :)
9. Bridges of Madison County - When she puts her hand on the door knob of the car...thinking about running out to him...aaahhhh!! I swore I would hate this movie. I was convinced that I would hate any movie where one of the characters was being unfaithful...but I have to admit...it was a great movie.
10. Goodnight Mother (or is it 'Night Mother?)- Sissy Spacek and Anne Bancroft...Sissy's character is getting ready to commit suicide, and the whole movie she's explaining to her mother how to handle everything after she kills herself. Let's just say it's not a feel-good ending.

I know there are many more (many that are more deep and meaningful I'm sure), but I'm drawing a blank. I'll add more later as I think of them.

There are also a few songs that tug at my heart strings:

1. Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks - This is definitely my #1. I used to listen to this song over and over again. It was like rubbing salt into a wound and I couldn't get enough. Though I had many miscarriages, none got to me like the first. Perhaps it was b/c I was further along (11 weeks), maybe because it's the only one I had to have a D&C for...but that will always be to me the little girl that I lost (we were able to find out the sex after genetic testing that was done after the surgery). I would sit and listen to that song and feel so damn sorry for myself. I would listen to it on the way into work and sob uncontrollably. Now, I listen to it and the same thing happens...this time it's b/c I'm so happy.
2. Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Not the original version. This one's by Isaac somebody (I need to find out). It is so beautiful. This is one of the songs I sing to the babies, so again, it's a baby-cry-your-eyes-out-song.
3. Danny's Song by Kenny Loggins - It gets me thinking about me and my husband, how far we've come, how much I love him, and again our sweet babies. :)
4. Pooh Song by Kenny Loggins - I'm not sure this is the real name...I would play the radio in the nursery when I would feed AR in the middle of the night - I would also at this time call the NICU to check on the boys. One night this song came on while I was holding AR and at the same time on hold with the hospital, I will think of this moment every time I hear that song.
5. The Chair by George Strait - It's my hubby's and I's song. I will forever regret us not dancing to this at our wedding (a snafu w/the DJ...long story). The song reminds us of how we met. We met at a flag football game (thank you, BWB) - at a bar afterwards (a bar we call "The Hoosier Bar"), RD was too shy to strike up a conversation with me, so one of his friends switched some seats around so that we had to sit next to each other. He had no choice but to talk to me then. :)
6. Remember When by Alan Jackson - Wow. The words to this song! I'm not a big AJ fan, but this song says so much. Again, I think of RD and me and our lives together...how many memories we have ahead of us. It's beautiful.
7. He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones - I hope I have that name right. For some reason, I had a hard time remembering the name, and it's one of my favorite songs. It's a wonderful love song.
8. Lord's Prayer - When sung, it is very powerful.

I'm sure I'll be adding to this many times. I'll probably think of a lot as I'm trying to get to sleep tonight. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Checking In

Not a whole lot new here. I haven't been blogging much...just haven't felt like it. I sit down to write, and I get nothing. I'm pretty much out of my funk, I'm just in a sort of blah-mood really.

RD has been much better. He's been very helpful with the babies and with stuff around the house. I went out to lunch with my friend, C, the other day and told her that RD seems to have this keen sense on when to step it up. His, hate to say it, but his laziness gets almost to the point of ridiculous, then it's like it finally hits him - and he starts pitching in; even more than I would ever expect him to. We went through this when we got married and moved in together...I was a clean-freak and he was used to his mom picking up after him. This sounds bad, but I found that if I just do everything (not everything...but the majority of things...you get the point....), he's more likely to notice and start offering to do this and that...but if I keep hounding him to do something, his stubborn side won't allow him to cave in. It's a little game...he thinks he's getting off easy, whereas I'm actually getting him to do more. ;) I just need to relearn this dance we do now that the babies are here. I'm sure it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else, but hey, it works for me!

We had a few friends over for dinner lastnight. RD made the best steak I think I've ever had. It was delicious!! After we put the babies to bed we watched Eurotrip. We couldn't decide between The Whole Ten Yards and Starsky and Hutch...somehow, Eurotrip came out of that...go figure. RD is still bitching today about how awful it was (LOL), but maybe his expectations were a bit too high. I went into it thinking it would be crap (your typical coming-of-age-T&A-teen flick), so I thought it was okay.

RD's birthday is next week and I still haven't figured out what to get (or how I'm going to get out to get it!). He says he doesn't want anything, but I have to, or want to rather, get him something. This is been a huge year for us. I think he deserves something special. :)

Babies are up from their nap...gotta run! I might be back later tonight.

Domi-don't

If you're thinking about trying the new Double-Melt pizza from Domino's - DON'T. It was bloody awful.

Meaningless Dribble

I went to Sam's Club on Saturday for a diaper run, which also turned into a sweatsuit, book, soda, decorative-pumpkin, apples, and more run (it's impossible to go to Sam's for just one thing). It proved two things to me: 1) People can be highly annoying. I was stupid to go on a Saturday anyway, but it never ceases to amaze me how crazy people get on "sample day." People were acting like idiots, drooling in anticipation for the lady in the white apron to get done heating up today's special. I was starting to get the impression that some of the people there weren't there just to shop, but they were there to feed their children lunch. 2) Yes, I am slowly losing my mind. I proved once again that I've earned these blonde roots. I start hauling stuff in the house and quickly realize...the soda's missing! Sure enough, I left the two cases of soda on the bottom of the cart. To my amazement, someone turned them in (probably the cart-collector...)!

We watched The Butterfly Effect that night. It was really good. I was kind of surprised. The look Ashton Kutcher made after "changing the past" (this open-mouthed, eyes rolling back, looks like he's climaxing look) got really annoying, but it was otherwise quite entertaining.

We took the kids to the park yesterday. It was such a surreal feeling...watching RD play with the kids on a large blanket...there was 50's music playing in the background (there was a craft fair on the other side of the park)...it was heaven. We were able to take some great pictures.

Speaking of the park, we stopped at a local sandwich shop to pick up lunch - Amighetti's. RD waited in the van with the kids while I ran in. This rather large lady pulled up in this big Mercedes, parked it right in front of the door. She walked in carrying this big, obnoxious Chanel tote, and shuffled to the cash register to make her order (apparantly it was too much trouble to actually pick her feet up off the ground when walking). What pissed me off was that there wasn't a bad parking spot anywhere. There were two spots ten feet from where this lady parked, yet that was still too far I guess. If she would made the effort to exert herself a bit more...say ten extra feet...it might help her with her weight problem. I'm no size 6 either, but damn, woman!

We recently loaned my mother a substantial amount of money. You'd think she would stop calling us from Target and Value City talking about the "deals" she's just come across. You'd think...

I'm so excited about Autumn. I love the cooler weather...sweats...cool breezes...beautiful leaves...that wonderful "Fall" smell...saying goodbye to humidity. Just wonderful!

As a person who has never had a weight problem in his life, my husband will never understand how hard it is trying to lose or maintain weight. I've been in quite the slump lately, upset over having nothing to wear that is in any way flattering...he was making fried potatoes and bacon for breakfast yesterday. He asked if I wanted any - when I said no, he went on to say how it would be okay if I just had a little, a little won't hurt me, I should be able to eat whatever I want, but in moderation, and so on. I agree with that theory, to an extent, but when you're as desperate to lose weight as I am, something tells me fried potatoes and bacon, no matter how little, isn't a good idea.

Our wonderful neighbors...their new project is painting the bricks on the front of their house. I think it will look nice...but it's looking like it's another project that will be started and not finished over there. It's been "half-done" for about a week now. I'm about ready to go over there and offer to finish it myself.

We recently put a mirror in AR's bed. Miraculously, it has worked wonders on extending EVERYONE'S naptime. Sure, it's not helping her sleep longer, but while she's gazing into her eyes, she's not crying...which means the boys are able to get some decent sleep. Vanity isn't always a bad thing. ;)

SA has discovered his penis. Not intentionally really, but he has discovered it nonetheless. They're getting to where they like to grab at anything and everything (e.g., jewelry, glasses, designs on clothes, etc.) - well, lately whenever his diaper is being changed, his hand makes it down there and he grabs hold of it. Now that we're catching on to this...problem...we're doing our best to distract him. :)

We've got our first diaper rash. Poor SJ! It looks so bad. He's recently decided to have his big, daily dump in the middle of the night; which is bad, bad news for his hiney. We try to put a big, Desitin barrier on before bed...but it's not helping so much.

It sounds like AR has grown tired of staring at herself in the mirror...time to get everyone up...

She Works Hard for Her Money...

...so hard, honey, honey...she works hard for her money, so you better treat her right...that's right... - Donna Summer

Sorry, I got carried away there! LOL

Something has been nagging me lately, and some days it bothers me more than others. Let me start by saying that RD is a wonderful husband and father. I know he loves me and adores the kids. This is a problem, or concern rather, that I've had for awhile now. I love being a SAHM, and wouldn't change that for anything, but it can be a lonely and thankless job at times.

Friends, family, even strangers give me kudos for what I do; they say what a wonderful job I'm doing, what tough work it is, how tiring it must be, etc. I get that pat on the back from everyone other than the one person I really need to hear it from. My husband. I know he appreciates what I do, but I'm not so sure he knows exactly how much I do.

We finally talked about it the other night, and I realized I'm not alone in my frustrations. I don't think he's helping enough, and he thinks I'm asking too much. We did finally agree that we are each expecting too much from the other. Now the problem is, how do we meet in the middle?

I've complained to him about being lonely, being tired. He doesn't understand. He says, "All you've ever talked about is being a stay-at-home-mom. Now you're complaining? Isn't this what you wanted?" Yes! This is what I wanted; but even the best jobs can be frustrating, at times ungratifying, and often drain every last bit of energy out of you.

This isn't an everyday problem for me. As I've said in previous postings, I love, love, love my babies, love being at home with them, but some days are much (MUCH) harder than others. It seems with teething, growing pains, you-name-it, there have been more of the harder days than usual lately. RD has had a pretty easy schedule this month, so I was anticipating having more help from him. Maybe even (gasp!) getting out of the house ALONE a time or two...maybe three. The few times I have been out, I don't get too far w/o receiving a call on my cell phone from him asking when I'll be back.

As I've mentioned before, I've been having a helluva time getting sleep lately. Lastnight was awful. I laid in bed awake for close to two hours - then once I fell asleep, I was waking up every 1-1 1/2 hours...greeted with another battle to fall back to sleep. When the alarm went off this morning, there was no way I was getting up. I was finally having a good stretch of sleep. I rolled over to RD and asked him if he would please get up and feed the babies. I explained I didn't get much sleep...blahblahblah...I had to ask him a few times. He got up to do it, but huffed and puffed and walked really heavy...his way of letting me know that he was doing it, but he wasn't happy about it.

Though I've tried explaining it to him, I don't think he realizes it's not just feeding babies, playing with babies, etc. It's also doing the laundry, keeping the house cleaned (something I do everyday, but you'd never know it unless you came at the right moment), getting myself showered and dressed for the day. He thinks b/c he works (don't get me started there...it seems what we, as SAHM, do doesn't count as work sometimes), that he should be allowed to...ah-hem...rest more when he's home.

We've at least reached the first step to coming to a healthy conclusion in all this. We've agreed that this is a problem for both of us. He needs to understand that I need a break from time to time, and I need to understand that he needs a break as well...he doesn't need to be handed a baby as soon as he walks in the door.

I was able to get out of the house today. Granted, the babies were with me, but I did get over to a girlfriend's house for lunch. She is a SAHM as well, and I almost brought it up to her. I asked her if her husband helped out when he got home, her answer was a big yes. I was so happy to be out, the last thing I wanted to do was start going on about how lonely I am, how I'm frustrated with RD, and so on - so I dropped it there.

In reality, I'm sure RD helps out a lot more than a lot of dads do. I do realize that. Parenthood is new to us, and though wonderful, it's been a big adjustment for us. We're still learning our roles - learning from each other, learning from friends and family, and learning from our sweet babies.

This may at times be a rough journey, but it's also an adventure. Nobody said this was going to be easy. ;)

Ramblings from a tired woman

I had the babies 6 mo. photos taken at Sears Portrait Studio last week. It is so hard to find cute picture frames!! Maybe I need to go into it with a more open mind. I have a picture in my head of exactly what I want, and I'm not finding it. I've gone to Target, a few stores at the mall, HomeGoods, and Pier 1...no luck. I think I'm going to go to Pottery Barn tomorrow and see what I can find. Of course I'll find what I want at the more expensive store. That's just how it works!

Something I've noticed with the babies, is that they sleep heavier during some naps than others (I know you're thinking, "You JUST noticed that?!" LOL). They've always been heavy sleepers at night - the phone can ring, the doors can open and close, the tv is blaring (we are "loud tv people"), but naturally, since they don't sleep as heavy at during the day, they wake up at (sometimes) the slightest noise. They have three naps a day - the morning nap EVERYTHING and ANYTHING wakes them up, and they won't go back to sleep. For some stupid reason our phones don't have on/off switches for the ringer, so for now I just hide the cordless under a large quilt to muffle the noise. We always swore that we wouldn't have the type of house where you had to be quiet for the babies to nap...but, well...sometimes you get desperate. Give me some credit...there are three of them!! LOL During their afternoon nap, they sleep heavier. The phone sometimes makes them stir a bit, and sometimes will wake them up, but they fall back to sleep almost immediately. The third nap (which is their short, cat nap), they would sleep through probably anything (very helpful since this is during the making of dinner...lots of pot-banging going on). Why I felt this warranted an entry in my blog, I don't know :) , but I found it interesting.

I finally purchased a light-up, noisy, toy for the kids. It's a V-Tech gadget...Brainy Baby - it's supposed to stimulate their left brain. They really don't have any toys, with the exception of a few Lamaze stuffed animals, so I felt we were long overdue. We've only had this thing one day, and already I'm about ready to throw it against the wall. Hello, Brainy Baby. How are you Brainy Baby? A triangle has three sides. A star has five sides. Where are you Brainy Baby? Bye-bye Brainy Baby! click-click-KAPOW!

Breaking the Rules

Since the babies were old enough (and we got the "okay" from the doctor) we've used the CIO (crying-it-out) method with the babies. It's something I speak highly of, as it has worked tremendously for us; however, it's not always easy. The majority of the time, the crying doesn't last long. I should preface this by saying that AR is who we primarily practice CIO with; the boys usually go right to sleep w/o a fuss. AR on the other hand, puts up a fight most every night - some nights she fights longer than others. Once she's asleep she's good until morning, it's just getting her to sleep.

On a normal night, she cries for about 10 minutes, then drifts to sleep. Every now and then we have one of "those" nights where it lasts longer...MUCH LONGER. Two nights this week she cried for an hour and a half before falling asleep!!!!! I did, of course, check in on her periodically - make sure she's not tangled up in her blanket or smooshed up against the rails. I would pat her back or stroke her hair, she would calm down instantly; then the moment I walked away her head started spinning and she started spitting green pea soup across the room...wait, no, that's not how it went...you get the picture. ;)

During these long spells (which BTW, both boys sleep through...how they do is a mystery to me!), I've checked for a fever (they always feel hot to me, so I feel like I'm always taking their temperature(s)!), changed her diaper, made sure there wasn't a hair wrapped around a finger or a toe...wondered if maybe she just wasn't tired, but it's been obvious that she's exhausted. It could be that she's too tired; afterall, the girl is an awful napper. We introduced broccoli (mixed with potato) several days ago - we've decided to stop that for awhile, thinking the broccoli might be too harsh on her tummy.

Whatever the reason, I just can't let her cry like that...I had to pick her up...rock her...whisper how much I loved her...kiss her tears away...hold her close. This is obviously something I can't do every night, or don't want to do every night anyway. As much as I'd love to, I don't want that to be the only way to get her to go to sleep. But then I think of the nights that I have a hard time getting to sleep (which there have been many lately)- how wonderful it would be if someone would hold me, sing softly to me, and run their fingers through my hair.

We went through this tonight. She was crazy for about 20 minutes, I held her close, loved on her (as I call it) for a few minutes, and put her back to bed. She cried for about 10 more minutes, then went fast asleep. If my sweet princess needs that from me from time to time, I don't want to deny her that. Now if she starts waking up in the middle of the night wanting a repeat performance...we'll have to renegotiate. ;)

The Innocence of a Child

I'm just sick. So disgusted. There is a local news story running right now about a 2 1/2 year old girl who was abducted over the night. Her dad had a friend over lastnight - it turns out this friend abducted her at some point in the night and sexually assaulted her. They're not releasing many details right now, but they are saying that she is conscious and shows signs of sexual assault.

I feel physically ill. This poor girl. How could this happen? They showed this sick man being taken away in handcuffs. I felt this overwhelming urge to inflict physical pain on this piece of shit. She's just a child!! There's absolutely NO excuse to force yourself on anyone, but an innocent child? My mind just can not process how anyone can do this. My only hope is that this child is young enough that she will have no memory of this. No, that's not my only hope, I also hope some big, burly man makes this sicko his bitch when he makes it to prison.

This would have upset me before I had children, but the anger and pain I feel for children who have suffered is so much more intense now that I'm a parent. I find it very hard not to picture my own children in these situations. I've told RD that if anything ever happens to one of our kids, if they are ever a victim, he could count on spending his weekends visiting me in jail. I don't think that I could curb my hunger, my need for revenge. The maternal need to protect your children is so strong.

We were watching "Cold Files" (I think that's the name...or is it "Cold Case"?) on CBS lastnight (it's not something we normally watch, but we were having a hell of a time finding anything good on). It was about these three boys that were molested by their swim coach, and how they followed through on a plan to kill him. I kept tearing up during the assault scenes - I turned to RD and said, "Doesn't it bother you to watch this? I can't help but picture SJ and SA." RD, "You can't. You can't do that every time you see something like this, you'll drive yourself crazy." He's right, but I just can't stop myself.

Even in commercials! There's a Mastercard commercial out right now where they follow the kid through swimming lessons, driving lessons, etc...then show him going off to college and say: "learning to let go......learning to let go...PRICELESS". It gets me every time. RD will just look at me and laugh.

We were watching a new show on TLC lastnight, "Body Work" (it's pretty good); one of the stories they were following were these 6 month old twins from the Caymen (sp?) Islands that were having surgery to correct their cleft lips. Seeing those sweet babies, who were the same size as AR, with their eyes taped up for the surgery...seeing them in recovery...it was just too much for me. Our kids had been asleep for hours, but I wanted so bad to go in and hold them.

I have never cried so much as I have now that I have kids. I've become this emotional timebomb. For awhile I kept blaming it on hormones leftover from my pregnancy, but it's six months later...something tells me it's not pregnancy hormones anymore. ;) Before the kids came I was really uncomfortable crying in front of people. RD could probably count on one hand (w/fingers left over) how many times he had seen my cry before I was pregnant. I just didn't do it - not in front of him anyway. Maybe I'm just making up for lost time.

Back to the little girl...please keep her in your prayers. What fate lies ahead for the bastard that did this to her...well...I don't know that it's right for me to pray to God asking him to make this guy someone's bitch, but I will be praying for justice...the bitch part would be an added bonus. :)

This that and the other

I was watching the Ellen show this morning. She has this thing called "The Riff-Raff Room" where people that didn't make it into the audience can watch the show. Everyday she picks one person from this room to come sit in the "VIP Chair." The girl that was selected today had very large breasts. She came running down the aisle and...well, all I've got to say is she seriously needs to invest in a good, support bra. Those puppies were a-bouncin'!

The new Fall line-up on tv looks pretty bad. Nothing seems to be popping out at me - AND - where's 24?!?! I wish they would stop moving shows around. There are a few shows I watch regularly, then the networks have to go and shift everything around, and now most of them are showing at the same time. Very frustrating.

Damn my kids are cute. AR looks just like me...guess I'm cuter than I thought. LOL

My dear, sweet husband...why must he pace the floor so much when he's on the phone? Our house is so small, and he can not sit or stand still when on the phone - and he also somehow feels the need to talk really loud.

Since our latest spider incident, I swear I'm feeling stuff on me. I was feeding the babies and swore something bit me on the ass. Damn spiders.

Have you seen that commercial with Wayne Brady? I think it's creamer for coffee or something. Every time I see that commercial, the jingle is in my head for days. Don't they call those ear worms? Something like that.

SA is up from his nap...he sounds pissed. I better run!

Blech

Our house is 70% hardwood floors, 10% linoleum, and 20% carpet. Why is it that when our cats puke, they almost ALWAYS do it on the carpet?

Top of the mornin' to ya!

I was getting SA ready for bed lastnight. I got out a pair of pj's, threw them on the side of the changing table, and out ran a brown recluse spider. I screamed, then yelled for RD to kill it (I'm deathly afraid of spiders). He knocked it off the table, then it ran under it. I immediately turned hysterical, crying, and yelling that there was now no way I could let the babies sleep in there with that spider. Long story short, RD moved the table, killed the spider, and I finally composed myself...trying to avoid eye contact with RD, knowing he's trying not to crack up at the psychotic outburst he just witnessed.

The battle over the thermostat continues. RD was shivering with the thermostat set on 76, while I'm stripping off my clothes, feeling like I'm overheating. To me, 76 is ridiculous, but it's the setting we agreed on. Now he's arguing that "normal" people keep their thermostats on 78. Who are these people? Please tell me, and I'll make sure I never set foot in their house!

My mother called a few minutes after 8 this morning to ask me what her cell phone number is. This is a typical call. She wanted the number b/c she couldn't find her phone and she wanted to call it. It was definitely a moment I just had to stand there in silence before answering her...must cool off...must cool off...

I had SJ on the changing table this morning when I heard a cry of pain coming from SA in the living room. SJ had an explosion in his pants, so I wasn't able to run in there as fast as I would have liked. I knew what I would find, and I was right, AR was laying on top of SA, hands planted on his face, pushing herself up...looking down at him with a look that said, "Gotcha, sucker!" We know who the boss is in this family! LOL

I have really got to do some serious cleaning today. With RD home, I've had no motivation whatsoever to get anything done. Our house is not only messy, it's bordering on disgusting. It's gotten to the point where I just stare at it...not knowing where to start.

SERENITY NOW!

Diary of V

If you have some spare time and are looking for something to do - check out Diary of V. I started reading it several years ago. If you do check it out, go to the archives and start at the beginning. It gets kind of hokey sometimes, but it's been fun to follow over the years. Sort of an on-line soap opera.

More Random Tidbits

I'm so bummed RD has to work today. People often ask me how I take care of the kids by myself so much. My answer is always that it's not that difficult...pretty easy really. That is an honest answer; however, now that RD's been home a week and I've gotten used to having a second hand every day for over a week, I wonder to myself, "How do I do this by myself?!?!"

AR will not nap lately. I sure hope this is just a growth spurt and this insomnia that's been inflicted on my child is only temporary.

Our neighbor's new roommate has picked the spot right in front of our house to park his big, ugly truck. As of right now, my only tactic has been to glare out the window in disgust when he parks there...very passive-aggressive of me. We'll see if I get the balls to finally say something. Why can't he park in front of his own house?

I'm so glad I found www.blogger.com. I've kept a journal on my PC for some time now. I've always enjoyed writing as though I had an audience. Now I do..sure it might only consist of two or three people, but it's a start!

I watched Dr. Phil the other day and I can't get the episode out of my head. It was SAHM's vs. Working Mom's. I was floored at how these mothers talked to each other. I guess I shouldn't have been, but I was surprised at how each side looked down on the other. I have my reasons (besides the obvious fact that we can't afford to have three babies in daycare) for choosing to be a SAHM, but I do not look at my friends that choose to work (or maybe have no choice to stay home) in a negative way. Listening to these women debate...it made me look at things from a different view. Maybe I'll write about that another day. I want to choose my words very carefully. It's not a topic I wish to write about in length while rushing through a post (my babies will be up any minute!).

Insomnia Continues

This insomnia is starting to catch up with me. I thought I was exhausted before...that was nothing!

I even have ADD while trying to pray. Often while saying my nightly prayer in my head at night, I keep getting "off topic". My thought process went a little like this while trying to pray and get to sleep...

Dear Lord, thank you for everything you have done for me, my family and friends. I pray that AR, SJ, and SA are happy and healthy - and live long, happy, healthy lives...it sure is hot in here...the babies sure make a lot of noise when they sleep...who's nose is whistling? it sounds like SA...oh, I was praying...oops! Please forgive me for all I have sinned. I pray that RD and I stay happily and faithfully married to each other for the rest of our lives...I wish RD would stop bumping into me...it's too hot for him to be this close to me right now...I really don't want to go to my aunt's house tomorrow...damn it, I can't even concentrate long enough to finish a two-minute prayer! I pray that everyone is safe in Florida. I hope that all people and animals are able to make it to safety and that their homes are safe from the storms...I'm hungry...Do we even have anything for me to eat? I sure would hate to get up and then find there isn't anything for me to eat...Did I put that meat in the freezer? Why do I keep forgetting to do that? It's probably rotten by now...maybe I should turn the ceiling fan on...that would help...

...and this whole crazy thought process went on for a very long time! Why is it when the lights go out, my mind starts? I just can't settle down. I was so tired lastnight, that I actually sat on the couch thinking about going to bed for almost an hour...but I was too tired to get my ass up to go into bed!! Now that's sick!

Falling in Love All Over Again

It is so wonderful having RD home. He has been helping out so much. He's helping at every feeding, playing with the kids all day, reading to them, putting them down to sleep...AND here's the kicker....are you ready? He's been cleaning!!!!! Whoa! Stop the presses! LOL

I was sitting back on the couch relaxing, watching RD feed the babies some Zucchini (they're loving their veggies BTW!!), and my heart was so filled with love. We've always had a great relationship - I had a tremendous love for him when we married, but there's something about watching him as a dad. Seeing him make silly faces, talk in that high-pitched voice, down on his hands and knees with them playing on the floor...to me that's more romantic than any story in a silly novel you could pick up. He is such a wonderful father. I am so proud of him. I'm tearing up just writing this...my goodness. I would have the same love and respect for him as a father regardless of my screwed-up upbringing, but having such a messed up family, it makes me have that much more appreciation for him and everything he does - for me and the kids. You've heard me bitch about my mother, well my father is...was an alcoholic, absentee father. The "was" is from his sudden desire to make up for lost time. I'll have to unleash that here some other day.

...forget that, where were we? :) Not only have I been blessed with three wonderful children, it's renewed my love for my husband.

I've made a lot of f*ck-ups in my life, and have made a bad habit of blaming my parents for everything I've done wrong. Attributing all of my bad characteristics to my lousy childhood...if only my parents had done this or that...and so on. One thing my husband has taught me is to be accountable for myself. I need to stop using my parents' "lack of parenting" as a crutch for all the areas in my life that are f*cked up. This sounds so cliche, but RD has truly made me a better person. Sure a lot of it is me finally growing up, maturing finally, but I really do not think I would be the person I am today without him.

Okay...this is starting to get too mushy, and I'm embarassing myself! I've been in a great mood these past several days, and I guess you're just going to have to put up with it for awhile! :)

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

AAhhhh...what a wonderful day! This is one of those days where I just woke up in a GREAT mood. My husband let me sleep in this morning and he fed the babies. We had the most awesome sex before bed lastnight, so I'm still glowing from that. Then I woke up this morning to the sounds of RD reading The Very Hungry Caterpiller to the babies. Heaven! My heart filled with so much love when I heard him.

RD's getting ready to run to Sam's to get some diapers and dinner for tonight. My friend, C, is having surgery tomorrow, and she wanted to come over tonight since she'll be unable to hold the babies for awhile while she's healing. They're really picky eaters, so we're having a heck of a time deciding on what to make. I was thinking of Rigatoni Al Carbonara. Pasta, white sauce, BACON...how could you go wrong?! ha!

Remember my hoosier neighbors? Well, they're new roommate moved in a couple days ago. He has this huge pick-up truck parked out front. The eye sores keep multiplying. Oh well. What can ya do?

I hear SA crying. I can't wait to see them! I haven't seen them yet this morning. I'm off to do some cleaning...which I really enjoy. I know that's sick! ha!

Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow. Did I mention I've lost three pounds?! Woo hoo!

Happy days!